Change and A Little Music

{Kitten stares out at window contemplating things...}Ugh, it has been a very long weekend. I can't say that I got everything completely that I wanted to but it is my own fault but I don't want to talk about that right now. I have realized that I have been rather placid and, to put it rather bluntly boring, the past year or so. I never take chances and playing it safe all the time is getting to be to much, even for a laid back kitten like myself. I'm tired of being the good kitty. However, I'm not too sure I know how to be bad. Something has to change though, and I'm working on that but change doesn't come easy. I'm reading a book called War Dog by Al J Venter, who is a South Africal war correspondent. One of them men say something that I really like and wish I could follow, "Live like you'll die tomorrow, learn like you'll live forever, love like you've never been hurt, and laugh like no one is watching.(p 76)" I have heard many versions of this quote but I think this best put.

I'm not planning on boring anyone with my silly little annoyances and ponderances today, however. Let us talk a little music because that always makes me feel better. Keeping with the British theme of last week, Pixie Lott is the next up on my list. She has one album out called Turn It Up( there are several re-releases out with more songs then the original) with several hit singles. My particular favorites are "Broken Arrow," "Cry me Out," and "Boys and Girls." She is not very old, I think she is twenty, which surprised me because she looks about 24 in her pictures. According to Wikipedia, she tour with Rihanna while she was in the UK. Anyway, here is a few videos I found on YouTube.

Remembering

{Kitten lays on velvet cushion in contemplation} I just visited my old highschool's website to see who they had teaching there this year. I only recognized a few names. I can't believe that most of the teachers that I had aren't even there anymore. It makes me a little sad but Kitten has been a little emotional today. It has barely been two years but so much has changed. I knew it but it didn't really hit me till now.
I' m making out my schedule for next fall and I'm a little annoyed because I can't seem to fit French in. I have put so much time in it and it would feel like a waste if I just gave up on it but don't I have to be realistic? Ok, I have made some progress on it but I haven't been able to give it the time it needs and probably won't. Between my Accounting, required classes for my major, my general studies classes and all the other little things I have to do, I just don't have the time. The only thing is, I'm not sure if that matters. I may not be able become fluent in it but even being exposed to it the little time that I am in class and doing my homework helps. Plus, I'm not just learning about a language, I'm learning about a culture. I think that is important but how do I get everything in? {sighs in flustration}
I both dread and look forward to this summer. I plan to take Principles of Marketing, College Algebra, Literature and Life, and possible Business Stats. I don't know about the Stats though, it might be too advanced seeing as I have only had Beginning Stats and I barely recieved a B in it. Plus I have got to keep up in my Accounting. What happened to the summers when I could just relax?
I'm not at all happy with my Accounting. I know that it is not going to be a good, probably around a C. Well, need to go and get to French. I have a presentation tomorrow.

{Kitten sits in front of window wondering how one gets to where they are and how does one deal with what they have become}

Now, I don't mean to sound dramatic here, but for the past few weeks I have had some pretty big internal changes that I'm not sure how to deal with. I asked my little Sis today what her younger self would have of herself know. Did she think she had changed all that much from when she was younger and, if so was it a good or a bad change. I posed the similar question to Aurora and got two very different answers. We'll I'm not at liberty to tell what she said but I was rather non commental on it when they asked me.

Honestly, most of the things that I have done, even some of the more wilder things, did not surprise me. It was not really out of character for me to do that. There are somethings though... I thought I was finally ready to talk about it but not yet, at least not openly. I just got off the phone with Aurora, both she an my lil sis know I'm righting a post tonight. My lil sis thinks that I'll reveal my secrete but after some thought, I realize yet, that I'm not quite ready. Aurora sensed my mood and told me that she was going to be writing something that I should look at. I refer my lil sis to Aurora's post. If there's anyone else reading this, I'm sorry but I'm afraid you'll have to wait.

Kitten Work and Love

{Kitten is scurrying this way and that trying to multitask and failing mesieribly.}

My Econ class starts Monday and I have so many things to do. Thakfully I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have come to realize that alot of this drama between James and I is mainly my fault. When I don't have something that keeps me occupied most of the time then I get to thinking, which isn't always good. I think once I start my class and I'm busy most of the time I would have all this time to think.

But speaking of James, our relationship has changed somewhat, or maybe it is just starting to be the way we wanted it. This is an open relastionship. He sees other people and if the oppertunity persents itself I will too. When I was younger I never understood why people had open relationships. I do now. He has his own life and I have mine. Our circumstances do not premit it to have a normal relationship and of course we are both going to meet other people who we connect with. This relationship has always been open but rather one sided because I never really thought about me seeing anyone even though I knew he was seeing other people. I wasn't jealous but I felt it would be like cheating if I seen another guy.Ok, I'm telling myself I can see other people but deep down, honestly, I would still feel guilty. Damn it I don't want to feel this way... I don't want to be be in love. Life is so unfair and lying to yourself doesn't work:(

Not much else has been going on of late. I've been busy, Bri's been busy, Aurora you're always busy. We'll I'll talk to yu all next week :)

Kittens Updates

{Kitten is justing coming in from frolicking on this beautiful summer evening. There's a nice breeze, the humidity is down, and its just comfortable :) }

Kitten apologizes neglecitng her blog lately. Manything have been happening. Some good, some bad, and others juts annoying.

I suppose I say that Johnthan is no longer a problem. James said he had that he took care of it, whatever that means. I'm glad, I have to say, I was a little spooked but what's even more creepy is the fact that I might I have been in contact with him and didn't know it. James thinks he was talking to me via email, during my little project back in April. Oops :( Yeah, James gave me a lecture about how stupid that was and suffice to say he now knows all my sites. {Pouts and whine about lack of privacy}

Other then being lectured, James did talk to me about other things of the past few weeks. He apologized for his proposition. He said that he never meant to make me like a whore and that wasn't his attention. Actually, he said that out of his female acquantices that I was probably the most innocent. Know my Little Sis thinks I'm wordly but I know that Lady Aurora woud probably disagree.

I guess maybe I did feel a little strange at the offer but it wasn't the offer itself. It was the fact that I really wanted to take him up on it. I wanted to be his mistress. I wanted to be wild and uninhibited. I wanted, just once, to say yes instead of no. James did say that me turning down his offer actually made him respect me more, although he wished he could be with me more than one or two night everyother month.

I have now come to turns with my decision. My main problem was that I was looking at saying to his offer as a closed door but its not. By saying no I said yes to a more normal life. I might have a wilder and more lucrative time but I'll get to have all sorts of fun with my Lil Sis. We'll get to live together, go shopping, to events at school, meet guys, and just me normal college girls. I'm fine with that now. Besides, I lost focus for awhile. I once said that I would never let a man come between me and my friends and even though that was not what James ment to do, by any means, I would not have gotten to be with Little Sister much had I been James mistress.

Now, I did not come to this conclusion over the course of last week. Actually, had you asked me Friday if I was going to change my decision, I would have definetly said yes. I had planned to call James when Lil Sis and I got back but something happened. Lil Sis gave me the prettiest little fan she bought at the faire. While at first, I only looked how pretty it was in the car and my only thought was that on annoyance because I couldn't have gone and watched Lil Sis get hit on by a bunch of girls, something dawned on me later that night while looking at it. The fan shows two geshia girls both looking at the fishes in a pond and both very pretty. They are also different. One is staring directly in the pond with a mostly blue with some pink robe. She looks coy; likess she's hiding a secret and musing about it. The other girl is in mostly pink with some red. She looking at the fishes, her hands half hiding her face;likes she daydreaming about her new found lover. These two represent Lil Sis and I but it was not just the dress and the way the looked, it was the the whole unseen sceme that seemed to be around. One hiding a secret and the ther blushing innocent at the thought of her new love interest. I then started to wonder what I would have painted the next picture as{well, if I could paint} The first thing that came to mind was the two girl geshia girls laughing under a cherry blossom tree or with there family. I didn't think of putting them with there respective lovers and that's when it dawned on me. I didn't really want to move away from my family and best Lil Sis, if I had been ready I would have thought about the two geshia with their paramour, right off the bat. {Yes, I'm being a little dramatic here and you must remember, that this musing took place. Now see Little Sis, you were apart of my decision making and didn't even now it:) }

Kitten's Emotional Ponderings and The Project

{Kitten is sitting dejectedly by her window, with the rain pouring down outside. She starts singing, "Rain, Rain, Go Away, Come Again Another Day.}

Kitten is thoughtful today. Breaha was happy that I shared my secret with her. She read the post where I was a little annoyed with her about three weeks back. I thought that I had taken the post down but I apparently, didn't. She felt bad and I do have to apologize because she wasn't the only person I was mad at the that day. In my numerous English Comp classes, I was always taught that the reader will usually remember what the last point/arguement is more than the others because it is the last thing that he reads. Well, Breaha was the last person that day to upset me so, I took all my flustrations out on her. Sorry Bri.

It did start me to think though. Everyone handles their emotions in a different way. Some are very honest(at times brutually honest) and show and tell whatever their feelings are. Others, let some of their emontions out but keep some back. There are some who hide their emontions and find other ways to release them (like me, through writing). Finally, there are people who just don't deal, with their emontions at all.

I envy the people who just tell it like it is. They may care about the other person and not want to her their feeling but they still tell them when their mad/sad/upset. In the end, it is this type of person who probably has the best relationship. They don't let problems fester. They just get it out there in the open and deal with it. Bri, I put you in this catagory and I so envy you. {Kitten pouts and swishes her tail, annoyed at herself}

Many people fall into the catagory of letting some emotions out but still hiding others. This is probably the second best way to deal with emotions. Tell what you're feeling most of the time but allow little and secrecy with some things. The only probably with hiding emotions is that they have a tendency to fester and agitate as time goes on.

Now here we are to my catagory. Yes, I'm one of those people who don't deal with emotions that much on the surface. I have trouble sometimes, expressing myself verbally. I do deal with my emotions though, by writing. This, however, is not the only way to get emotion out. Some work with music, others are into the arts. In my little opinion, this is not the best way to deal with things but it works. The biggest draw back is that the person(s) bother you might never know that your upset. Therefore problems are not always solved.

Finally, there are people who just do not deal with emotion/feelings at all. This is always very, very bad. You need to get emotions out in one way or another. Whether it is by telling the person directly, by talking to someone outside the situation, or by writing, music, danse,ect. The people who are upsetting you don't know you're hurt and you have these feelings that just don't go away becuase they are not being resolved.

My Little Project

Now, moving on to other things I have been working more on my summer research project on the sex industry, primarily, escorting. I have read many interesting comments from people on the subject but I stumbled upon a blog that really touched me. It was about a woman who is a mistress. She just blogged about her trials of seperating her emotions from her "work" and clients. In a strange way, I can relate to her, but not on her level, exactly. I have never been an escort or a mistress(although...Bri, be quite, I know what you're about to say;). The way I could relate to her was that she had everything but was still dissatified. I have a lot of things but it never seems to be enough. There's all ways something out there I want and at times, I don't even know what it is. Most peopel feel that way, though, so I'm not quite in the boat alone.

The thing I found most interesting about the blog was that she kept saying how liberating it was to be an escort. She didn't need the money, although I'm sure the money was a driving factor. It was the thrill, the excitiment, the rush. She was doing something taboo, saying to hell with society, and being completely independent. I wish I had her courage. It's too bad she hasn't updated her blog in about four years. It would have been really good