Kitten huffs and puffs as she drags her heavy laptop into the blog behind her. Right not I am working on my Security class projects, of which I am very much behind. I'm running some sort of scan and it looks like it is going to take awhile, so I thought that I'd drop in.

I'm rather excited. It might be possible that I have a few new blogs to read. They are not near as good{definetely not as juicy} as my last ones but, my favorites are no longer around, so Kitten must move on. This particular blog that I am excited about is not one written by a lady of the night, but she still has a rather unique point of view that I like. Actually, she has several books out. I have just started to read one of them and love it. I haven't yet decided if her blog is interesting enough, though. I might do some investigating later tonight.

Kitten is rather uncertain how her current relationship with Mark is going to turn out. There nothing there. No spark, passion, not even common interest, and the biggest thing is I haven't heard from him in a week. I'm not sad but I feel the need to return his ring to Christina. I feel ackward wearing it when I feel absolutely nothing for the guy. I guess, I was a little intrigued in the beginning, but I've seem to have lost interest. Wow, for some reason that sounds so mean but I can't help it. He's a nice guy but we don't have one thing in common, I'm not attracted to him, and he holds none of the qualities that I am looking for.

Kitten trots into blog restlessly. Did you ever have one of those days were you wish you were some one, preferably, some with a more interesting life than your own. That's how I felt today. It wasn't a bad day, actually, for a Saturday, it went extremely well. It lacked any excitement, though. I feel so...I don't bored, for lack of a better word. I want to do something interesting but even if I had the oppurtunity, I couldn't do it anyway.

I have so much homework. Accounting, Accounting Problems, and French take the most time. Between those three, I easily spend five to six hours a day doing homework. I didn't come here tonight to rant about homework woes, though.

I don't know what to do about my "relationship that I refered to last post in January." The name that I used for him has escaped me at present and I this kitten is feeling rather lazy at the moment so we will call him Mark.

He will be going back from basic soon and then he'll want to really get into a relationship but I'm not sure if I'm ready. I know I need to be upfront with him about what I want and not want in this relationship. He needs to know that I am unsure about marriage and that I can't be there all the time because of my homework. My work is the most important thing. As long as he is fine with a rather loose, non restricting, maybe a little unconventual relationship we'll be ok. I also need to point out the fact that I am pro life and if that did come up, I wouldn't be getting rid of the baby. I feel like these points are the most important. In past relationships{excluding James} I was not always open and upfront about how I felt and what I really wanted but I'm not doing that this time.

I feel like I need a change in my life. I need more than just a boyfriend. I feel like a need a change in my style of extra studying. This spring/ summer I think I'm going for a much more sophicated but sexy look. This year I had a very relaxed casual style but I want to spice things up this year. As for the extra studying goes, I'm defintely sticking with my courtesan/escort doscoveries because I find the whole area fascinating. I have also decided to look more into art and maybe branch into computers a little more extensively. I have though about making a blog for my projects but at the moment I have people from school stopping here every now and then to look at the Security blog that is for my Security class. I'm not ashamed at what I am looking into but I do like being discrete.

Well Kitten is rather tired after being up till 2 in the morning and is ready to head to her velevt cushion and take a long kitty nap. Night-Night:)

Confession of a Kitten Part III

{Kitten sit in front of window watching the butterflies and hummering birds go by and reflecting on the past few weeks}

Kitten has been rather busy, too busy, and not all of it has been good type of busy. I think everyone nows that I am no longer seeing James. While this transition has been difficult for me, I don't think I realized just how difficult until just a few days ago.

I started seeing a new guy, "Alan," he was slightly younger than James, and much more of a player, more sophicated, more...everything. I thought he was what I needed. After the appropriate time passed, I figure I would have an open relationship with him. Preferrably with no string attached, but James made me realize that this isn't what I want.

While I have tried to convince everyone that Jame's and mine's relationship was pretty simple, there really was nothing simple about it. I am really in love with him and have been for some time. I wanted it to be just sex, excitment but it wasn't. Things might have started out pretty innocent and simple but they got complicated at some point and time.

For the sake of my lil sis's curosity, I'll go into a little, but not too much detail about "Alan." I met him last summer. He flirted, I firted that was pretty much it. Unlike, most of Jame's friends, I did seen him off and on the past year. James does not like him an he had always made that know. I think that may have been my reason for meeting him about three weeks ago. He called and asked if I wanted to have lunch. I didn't think it would hurt anything so I went and had a good time. Alan was easy to talk to, easy to be with but then again, aren't all players? Yes, I knew he seen alot of women and that he liked to party. He defintely lives life to the fullest. I thought that it would be fun to just flirt, live a little. I would never sleep with him. I have a rule to never be with someone until I have been dating them for a at least 6-8 months. If the guy won't wait...we'll there's plenty of fish in the sea right :)? Anyway, I knew that Alan wouldn't be bothering with me for long, I'm just not his type but there's nothing wrong with having a little innocent fun right?

Well James didn't like that idea. Not too sure how he found out about me seeing Alan but he did and two nights ago a two and half telephone lecture. While I don't care much for being lectured{who does?}, I'm glad he did call there were a lot of things that I didn't know about Alan. He's not the type of guy I want to be around nor should I. My lil sis said the other day that I had a bad habit of putting myself in danger where men are concerned. At first I didn't think so but on second thought, I'm starting to believe she's right. I have done some pretty stupid things where men are concerned. I'm going to try and stop that.

Speaking of making a resolution, I'm no longer planning on seeing guys who are older than 4 years. Other than having a job or being in college, having a car, having good health care/hygine, and decent looks that is all I'm looking for. While the list my seem long, I find it reasonably, espcially if I plan to have a future with him. Now my lil sis, does this make you feel better :)

Kitten's Views on Relationships

{Kitten struggles to sit up on velvet cushion. It was a long night and Kitten did not get much sleep. Besides being in pain from cramping, Kitten spent the better part of an hour redoing her post.}
This was not the post I had intended to right but after a talk with my Lil Sis I decided to change it. Relationships are hard work and to keep them going you need two things: trust and honest communication. It doesn't matter whether you have relationship with some one you live or someone over the internet. It also applies to both monogomous and open relationships. Without these two things the relationship will probably fall apart.
Trust, you would think, would be a given, but most people have problems with this in many different ways. Some have trouble trusting there partners with other people or visa-verse, their partners have trouble trusting them with other people. These people become jealous and start distrusting there partner {although, sometimes for good reason}. Others, like me, have problems trusting them with feelings, emotions, ect, and therefore do not open up. We "run" whenver we think that we might get hurt emotionally. We need to work through these problems though becaue living in a constant of doubting or "running" takes a toll on the relationship. No one wants to be bogged down in fear, doubt, and worrying.
I was in exclusive, near distance relationship for a year and one long distance-ish, open relationship for a year and half. I made the same trust issue trwice. I would not open up with my true feelings. I am not a jealous person by nature and I had no problems being in an open relationship where we both saw other people. I do however have trust hang ups when it comes to telling people my real feelings. I'm afraid that if I love someone { this only pretains to people I date not friends and family} that they'll hurt me. I think that had I been more with my feelings and truted them, my relationships might have ended better.
So how do you have trust? You have to have honest communication. This goes for whether you're in a monogomous or open relationship and expecially goes if you're in a long distance relationship. Communicating honestly means that you talk about everything that goes, keep you're partner informed, and tell them about how you're feeling. This does not just include how you feel about one another but how you feel about anything that affects you because if you feel strongly enought to let it bother then it will probably affect your relationhip sooner or later.
Honest communication is probably most crucial though when it comes to trust. If you have decided to be in a monogomous relationship but are going out with some one of the opposite sex, that you think your partner might be bother with, tell them. While you shoulde be able to see anyone you want, you need to let your partner know so that there is no hard feelings or suspcions. This also goes if you're feeling insecure. Tell the person that you're feeling insecure and ask what are the "rules, guidelines,whatever you wish to call it" of the relationship. If you're in an open relationship, the parties also need to tell one another what is going on. Don't hide the fact that you're seeing some one. Don't hide the fact that you're attracted to someone else. It is an open relationship so you shouldn't feel guilty about it. But if you don't tell you're partner you are seeing some one else and the they find out, then trust issues will start to be a problem. All in all both parties need to be communicate honestly or other wise one or both are going to be upset and the relationship most likely will not make it.
Probably the third important thing that you need in a relationship is forgiveness. Everyone is human and will make mistakes. Some will be little like forgetting to call one evening others will be big like cheating. Forgiveness sometimes easy to do and sometimes hard but it needs to be done. You shouldn't hold grudges. If you can't forgive them get out of the relationship. It won't do any one any good to go over and over an indescrition or mistake.

Kitten Work and Love

{Kitten is scurrying this way and that trying to multitask and failing mesieribly.}

My Econ class starts Monday and I have so many things to do. Thakfully I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have come to realize that alot of this drama between James and I is mainly my fault. When I don't have something that keeps me occupied most of the time then I get to thinking, which isn't always good. I think once I start my class and I'm busy most of the time I would have all this time to think.

But speaking of James, our relationship has changed somewhat, or maybe it is just starting to be the way we wanted it. This is an open relastionship. He sees other people and if the oppertunity persents itself I will too. When I was younger I never understood why people had open relationships. I do now. He has his own life and I have mine. Our circumstances do not premit it to have a normal relationship and of course we are both going to meet other people who we connect with. This relationship has always been open but rather one sided because I never really thought about me seeing anyone even though I knew he was seeing other people. I wasn't jealous but I felt it would be like cheating if I seen another guy.Ok, I'm telling myself I can see other people but deep down, honestly, I would still feel guilty. Damn it I don't want to feel this way... I don't want to be be in love. Life is so unfair and lying to yourself doesn't work:(

Not much else has been going on of late. I've been busy, Bri's been busy, Aurora you're always busy. We'll I'll talk to yu all next week :)

My Mysterious Friday Night

{Kitten emerges from her walk outside and settles down on velvet cushion, ready to tell the readers of her mysterious night Friday}

Well, Friday did not start out the best that great. I was feeling rather grumpy and out of sorts, not to mention I could not do anything right. Little Sis and I were supposed to go out but both of us had unforseeable problems. She had work and I had an appointment. I was a little upset{not at anyone in particular, just life} when James called. He was rather cyrptic and said that he was coming to see me.

He picked me up at 9:30 and we went to where he was staying, which was about an hour and half away. We just caught up in the car. He was making me both curious and nervous because he still had mention the reason for his impromtu trip. We got to his hotel and we ordered room service. For awhile, we just ate in companionable silence but I could tell there was something on his mind. I wanted to ask but was afraid too. While we're just friends now, I was afraid there was something something he was hidding from me.

About half way through diner, he started to ask how I had been feeling and if there was anything new that I wanted to tell him. Well, at first, I was rather annoyed and thought that he was the one who seemed to be hiding something not me. After all, he was the one to call this little tete-a-tete. He waited for my answer and when I told him that everything was fine and nothing note worthy had happened in the last week and half he looked at me a little exasperated.

We finished dinner and desert but he still kept looking at me rather oddly. Finally, he just blurted out "Are you pregnant?" I couldn't help it, I just started laughing. That was what he had been so concerned over. After I had finished laughing at his expense I relieved him with the news that he was not to be a daddy anytime soon, unless he knew something that I didn't:) In truth, Kitten is certain she is not expecting any wee little one's is because she is on her time of the month{unfortunately, sighs}.

After James realized that he was not going to have to go out and buy cigars anytime soon, he laughed about it himself. To be fair to him, if you didn't know me on a personal basis, you might of thought I'd the signs of pregnancy too. I was a little upset to my tummy but that not unusal for me. Anything too greasy and my stomach rebels. I was also moody but in my defense I was PMSing.

I did ask him what he would had done if I had been pregnant. He knows I'm very pro-life so he knew better than to bring that up. He said that he would have taken over financial support of the baby and me. We both knew and still know that marriage is not an option for either of us but he said that he would have been apart of his/her life. {Sighs staring out window wondering what might have been and afraid to think of what will be}

Once that was sorted out we had a nice time talking. Unfortunately, I had to get back home because I had to be in at work at 8. I didn't get any sleep whatsoever:(

A Rather Mellow Day for Kitten

General

Kitten has decided to start blogging a little earlier. I've been waiting till closer to night-time and have been putting off ma francais, which is not the way to learn it:)

{Kitten yawns and streches her little back and legs. "So tired"} I really don't have that much to write today.

Let's see, my father is insisting that I take a medical terminology course. I know the reason why, but, come on, I'm an accouting major. I could be using that time to work on more important things.

James

I got a call and an email from James last night. He wants to see me. I'm so torn. This is over and I just wish he would let it go. He has several girlfriends, who are all more his taste. Our relationship just doesn't work and never will. He's the reason why Kitten got no sleep last night. I miss him. Would some one please hit me and tell to grow up? While I told my story of how we meet and what we did last summer, I never said why and how we ended it. Maybe later this week.

Readers

Kitten is surprised. She seems to have a few readers. Over the past few weeks I have recieved some very interesting emails and thanks for your interest. Well, welcome thanks for reading and feel free to email or comment. {Kitten rubs against visitors}

French

Getting back to my French homework, which is what I really should be doing, I'm rather running behind. Too many workbooks and not enough time{sighs} I wish there was actually a French class I could take but unfortunately there isn't. I have negelected my other blog, which happens to be in French. I will right a post in it tonight.

News

will be posted tonight

To Breaha: Confessions of a Kitten

{Kitten raises her cute little furry head at the sound of a familar footfall and get's up to give her best friend attention. Purring and rubbing up againt Bri with welcoming attention}

Kitten went to her best friends graduation today. Breaha has been one of my best friends since I can remember. We have went through a lot of things together (first crushes, first loves, breakups, other friends, family problems) but I realized that I have a whole another life that Breaha doesn't know about, or atleast not much.

Well, Bri, here's my sordid little story;) Now before I begin my narrative I need to state somethings. There are many thing that I have done that I'm not proud of. I know you're not religous but I try to be. A lot of what I have done I regret mostly for religous reasons and is the main reason why I have ended things with James. I don't want to feel like a hypocrite anymore. I know that you don't agree with a lot of the Catholic dogma and doctrine but I know that you know the importantance of following your conscience and doing what you, not other people believe what is right. These are all my dirty little secrets. Now we are even. No secrets between friends:)

The Meeting

As you know Bri, James and I met in Chicago at the Palmer House. I wa 18 and he was 42 but I didn't know it at the time. Actually, I orginally had his age at about 35. I was bored and mom had already went to bed but it was only 8 pm. Not ready to turn in I went down to the pool. James was the only one down there, we wound up talking. I'm not going to bore you with the maundane details of what we talked about. He asked me to dinner the next day and I went. Mom always goes to bed so early it was easy to slip away unnoticed. We exchanged cell phone numbers and email address.

Nothing happened for all most a year. My senior was innocent, pretty much. I had my little fling with Brian and we both now how that tunred out. Actually, it was James who pushed me to break with him. When I told James how Brian acted when I mentioned him, James got very concerned and told me that Brian sounded too dangerous for me. He was really there for me when I was going through that break up. Not that you weren't their for me, Bri{Kitten gives Breaha a big hug}. It's just that you both were there for me in differen ways.

What I Really Did Last Summer

Things really started to heat up between James and I last summer, after I had gone through those damned summer classes. I was feeling a little lost and I was a little out of control, although you never seen me when I was like that. No one ever knew that I was sneaking off to see a guy between my shopping trips with you and my long days at home. I was surprised, I thought I would be found out. It seemed so exciting.

It was in July that I first started sleeping with James. Before him, I had never really cared that much about sex but with James it was so tender and erotic. I was confident in himself which made me confident. When the guy feels unconfortable with the way he looks or performs then it makes me uncomfortable also. I'm not going to overshare here but suffice to say that he really brought me out of my shell where the bedroom is concerned.

We also went places together. He took me to England, France, and Mexico. Remember when everyone kept asking me if I would nervous when I left at Christmas to go to Mexico for Intercambio. Everyone thought that it was the first time out of the country{Kitten smiles mischievously} it wasn't, which was why I wasn't nervous. That and James was at the Cancun airport to meet me.

You might me asking yourself, "How did she manage to do this?" Well, it wasn't that hard really. While we(you and I) went out once a week, there were a few weeks inbetween where we didn't go out. It was during those few weeks that I went off globe trotting. As for mom, I told her some lame story that she knew was a lie but I was of legal age (19) and she just trusted that I knew what I was doing.

But wait. I said I went a little wild and having a little tete-a-tete with an older man isn't all that while. {Ok Bri, I know your shaking your heading and disagreeing with me but be a good audience and play along;) } It didn't do anything all that wild guess. I did get pretty close to being drunk a few times. I flirted (playfully, mind you) with a few very handsome men, who, rumor has it, have very shady pasts. I also did something else but I feel so ackwarded saying it which I don't know why. It's actually really funny. Maybe I'll tell you in private. It was what I considered one of my most wildest things I have done;)

All right Bri, there it is, with the exception of one little thing, here are all my secrtes. Rereading what I wrote, it doesn't sound all that exciting but I'll leave the judgement up to you.

{Kitten flicks her tail in goodbye and dissapears around the corner.}